Hit On All Sixess; October 2015

Date:October 2015

Location : My bedroom

The half cracked Alarm clock goes extra loud - the neon red lights indicate it's 7.15 pm - it won't stop ringing adding to the already thumping temples from last nights drinking - I decide this time not to punch the alarm clock but to unplug it , this presents a new problem the room is now completely pitch black and like a total spastic I trip over walking on sharp objects and my entire body weight lands on the light switch .I shower quickly and leg it to the nearest bus stop which is where I'll board the bus to Greenwich 02 Arena, The occasion ? We're going to see our buddies Sebadoh who we've been touring with this week open for The Lemonheads.Mark has fixed it with John Kastner their booking agent to get us in however when I reach the foyer And ask for my passesit turns out there is only a guestlist space -like the fairy godmother in Cinderella Lias of the fat whites magically appears - The Fat Whites are also working with John

- I inform Lias of my current pass predicament - we grab seats watch the Lemonheads for a bit then Lias heads back stage and manages to get my pass.I still to this day find the whole backstage thing awkward despite it being a part of the monotony of what We do - I find Lou Barlow and his wife devouring a pizza and watching the Lemonheads on the Tv , Lou is a really lovely guy , warm and endearing and full of great stories , First time I ever saw him was when he was playing with his other band Dinosaur Jnr. -"Charlottteeee Kemmmp Muhhhl" Lou Barlow says over and over .....

this has been a reoccurring theme/in Joke as both our bands upon meeting decided to form the Charlotte Kemp Muhl Appreciation society.A few minutes later I meet John Kastner who looks exactly how he did in the 90s long brown dreads and a smile followed by Mark and Natanya both who look impeccably well dressed, Mark is wearing a dapper dark green suit with white shirt and in his hand are a few vinyls of our last album "Dark is the night " that he hands to former Nirvana /Senseless , booking agent Russel Warby - Nat is dressed in black and white stockings with a black dress looking straight out of 1920's film noir chic .We all grab whisky and cokes and raise a toast to Sebadoh drummer Bob Fays birthday and to the end of a great couple of dates together.Im literally finding it impossible to stand up I'm so tired and the "Bad Angel" on my left shoulder is telling me I need something to give me energy - like the terminator I zoom in on the multiple rooms and guess which is the drug room...and pick the middle door in front of me .In the room is a member of Sebadoh who will remain unnamed ( I don't want to be sued) Adam J Harmer, and the Saoudi brothers Lias and Nathan .We each partake of something to replenish our depleted energy which later on will be referred to as "NASA fuel" and is making me feel like I'm floating ...hmmm...perhaps it could be CK1 ..., Next thing I know I'm talking to a beautiful girl with long black bangs and a black wide brimmed Stetson ,stockings and a short skirt.she talks like a crossbetween Anita Pallenberg and Nico she asks me if I worship the devil or as she puts it "The Devillll" - "I don't believe in an ultimate force " "I believe in duality - if God exists he's both good and evil" ..she then just stares at me blankly then says "but youuuuuu worrrship ze devil" - I realise this girl is far more spaced out then I am, I go to try and explain in my limited French but already she's running over to Evan Dando who has walked into the room and heads straight to the adjacent dressing room.Minutes later he returns wearing a bright orange top with the band Red Kross written on it - It hurts my eyes, All of a sudden I meet a guy who works for dirty water records - he takes a pic of everyone together in the room which ends up looking like a super group "The fat Dead lemon sebadoh cuts" .. Lias is serenading us with "can't put your arms around a memory " and " Wild American Prarie" -I spot Dave Kusworth of The Jacobites who informs me I've a "Wise head" on those young shoulders if only he knew the half ...some geezer who is keen to inform us he works for the Guardian appears alongside a Blackadder look a like ( Blackadder the second in case you wondered) , Blackadder says nothing and just stares at the females which kinda tells me he's a virgin to such things as backastage boredom-he makes a snide remark about how bands with make up should remain in the 80's ..I return with "yeah the beard and backcombed hair thing ...looks like Russel Brand beat you too it".

Fast forward two hours and the party is in full swing , yet I feel isolated ...maybe it's the NASA fuel.So I go to talk to Evan Dando and say the dumbest thing ever "Heyyyy Mannn" I slur "My drug buddy.... is one of my favourite songsssss ever " - Evan thanks me but then I say something proper dumb "Um I just want to apologise for puking in your bath that time " ...He looks at me like he wants to hit me then walks off..However not all is lost ! It's Bobs birthday and the management bring in a gorgeous birthday cake ( a Sainsbury's Victoria sponge with icing and candles ) and everyone sings happy birthday completely out of time but heartfelt no doubt - the cake doesn't get eaten except for a slice that Bob eats .It suddenly dawns on me that I've got to record tomorrow and its 3.30 am - as I exit with Lias and Adam and the dude from Dirty Water Records I begin to congratulate em on their new record when all of a sudden North Greenwich station let's off the loudest siren followed by red flashing lights "Warning -warning code red ...I repeat code red" bellows through a speaker, what is this Armageddon ? We all run our seperate ways completely freaked out - a few Lemonheads fans waiting outside look equally perplexed at a guy with running with a birthday cake under his arm ( It was left behind I didn't steal it ) and melting make up - running for the 188 bus , now if you took the NASA stimulants out of the equation we would have realised with some degree of logic that what all we'd heard was a drill ...

I awake in my clothes with a half a bottle of Sco

tch miraculously balancing on the bed upright - the last thing I want is a drink .I call Mark ...he doesn't answer I count my blessings working in the studio would have been hellish.Later that evening I grab my pass that reads 02 Arena and glue it to a sigil and place it on my altar, Coincidence or not my intent certainly works as Deadcuts play 02 Arena two months later .....

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